I haven’t written for so long that I kind of forgot how to write, to be honest. Anyway, I have been dealing with this emotion/feeling that has the potential to crush my dreams, break my confidence, stop me from pursuing love, and constantly put me in a cycle of doubt or what some call “imposter syndrome”. You would think as the years accumulate, I would become more courageous and bolder towards the things I want, but no, I hold back in fear of feeling I’m not enough at times.

I second guess everything from what to eat, what to wear, what to post on social media. For some weird reason, I filter through what others would think of my decisions instead of what I truly want to do. Then I feel empty because I’m pleasing others who would not attend my funeral if I passed away tomorrow. Even knowing this, I still view a lot of my life through the lens of (family, friends, and strangers) people. I’ve reached a point where I’m just tired of being on autopilot with fear; it has controlled my life for far too long. The biggest question I can’t comprehend is “When did I let fear control my every move”?

To figure out the question, I think I need to dig past the surface level of the 30-year-old man I am today. It first started at home with my dad. Every time I would dream big or have an idea, he would always lead with a pessimistic response as to why it might not work. By no means was he doing it out of hate or not trying to see me succeed in life. He was projecting his insecurity and fears on me as any parent would because they don’t want to see their firstborn child hurt. At first, I used to ignore it as a child, but as I started to become a young adult and the world started to dim my light with fears and doubts, I began to believe the words of my father that I was not enough.

For example, I remember a time when I graduated from high school and got accepted into Howard’s Business School on an academic scholarship. You would think my dad would say, “Congratulations, son, shoot for the moon.” Sadly, when I was going through orientation, my dad looked at me and said, “Do you think you are smart enough to get through the program?” I will never forget that moment, and every time I faced a challenge in school, I would say to myself, “Maybe my father is correct; I don’t think I’m smart enough to finish business school.” Sure enough, I let the doubt and fear grow in my mind until I decided to leave school and run to something less challenging, like starting my own business, which came with its own set of challenges.

I don’t want you to read this and think that I’m blaming my father for my shortcomings; I just wanted to pinpoint where I first encountered my fears and doubts. My father is beyond a wonderful man. He has provided for his family and is one of the greatest Jamaican chefs I’ve encountered to this day. He might not know how to fully express his love for me through words, but he shows it through his daily actions. I’ve learned the importance of forgiving my father and having empathy because who knows what he had to endure growing up and the coping mechanisms used to combat such hardship from family, friends, and the world.

I am taking the necessary steps to take full control of my life and not play the victim card; people in this world have endured far worse and come out on top of the mountain. I’m going to be the one to change my family lineage moving forward. I’m the one in the driver’s seat controlling my destiny with the help of God. I will conquer the emotion of fear and use it as a tool to motivate me to seek the unknown. The only time I’ll let fear stop me is in case of danger that could lead to fatality, like walking into a lion’s den. So here are two middle fingers to fear and my head held high to the possibilities of living life without being crippled by fear.

I LOVE YOU,  Adrian!!!!